What if SG-1 weren't stupid?
by EagleJarl
Summary: A rational take on Stargate SG-1, wherein each chapter is an episode and none of the characters are idiots. Extended version of my SG-1 oneshot of similar name. NOT ALL EPISODES ARE SHOWN, and they will not necessarily appear in order - they'll show up as I write them.
1. S1E03 - Emancipation

_**Author's Note:**_ _This episode is so ridiculous that I couldn't find a version of it that was both rational and at all true to the episode. With that in mind, I just went for silly. Hopefully, following chapters will be more serious._

* * *

Jack: Nice planet. Also, nice dogs that are about to eat that kid.

[Jack fires gun in the air, dogs run]

Mongol Kid: Thank you for saving me! Sadly, you have a woman with you and I must now show my primitive misogyny by not looking at her!

[Three guys ride up on horses with swords and bows]

Mongol Leader: You have a woman with you! We keel you!

Mongol Kid: No, father, they saved me from the dogs that have not been and never will be explained for the remainder of the episode!

Jack: Oooohkay. Here's a thought: you put those pointy-stick launchers down or I shoot you.

Mongol Leader: Oh, you saved my kid? Great, come back to my misogynistic village and I will feed you!

Daniel: Oh, how fascinating! Look at their clothes and headdresses, they look like...oh my, these obviously-Mongol people might be transplanted Mongols who have had no lifestyle changes or technological development in the last eight hundred years, despite there being no evidence of Goa'uld on the planet to keep their technology suppressed!

Sam: Nice infodump, Daniel.

Daniel: Thanks, I practice. We totally need to go with these people!

Sam: Remind me...isn't the mission of the SGC to obtain technology and allies that would be useful against the Goa'uld? A bunch of misogynistic horse-jockeys have nothing to offer us, and my presence is likely to cause problems. We should just go home and try a different world.

Jack: Sounds smart to me.

[Team leaves, episode ends]

* * *

 _Wait, that was smart but not exciting. Let's try a different parallel world..._

* * *

Daniel: Thanks, I practice. We totally need to go with these people!

Sam: Remind me...isn't the mission of the SGC to obtain technology and allies that would be useful against the Goa'uld? A bunch of misogynistic horse-jockeys have nothing to offer us, and my presence is likely to cause problems. We should just go home and try a different world.

Daniel: But Jaaack!

Jack: [sighs] Fine. Carter, you go back through the gate and notify them of what's going on. We'll make it a sausage party so Mongol-boy doesn't get his goat-hair panties in a wad.

[Carter returns through gate, the boys talk to the horse-jockeys and discover they have nothing of use, episode ends]

* * *

 _Wait, that still wasn't exciting. Damn, okay, trying again._

* * *

Daniel: Thanks, I practice. We totally need to go with these people!

[They go with them]

Mongol Leader: Okay, the chick has to go get gussied up while us men have a party.

Sam: Excuse me?!

Daniel and Jack: Roll with it.

Sam: Grrr... Fine.

 _~Five minutes later, they come back and see Sam in her Pretty Princess dress~_

Daniel: Gawaaaaa... [drools]

Jack: Gawaaaaa... [drools]

Teal'c: I am curious, Captain Carter; where did such a primitive tribe acquire silks with machine stitching and a fancy headress? Also, why would they have such things and give them to a stranger when their own women do not dress so well?

Sam: Excellent questions, Teal'c.

[Carter goes to hen party, guys to stag party]

Mongol Kid: Haha, I capture you, pretty stranger lady! I will take you to the tribe of my tribe's enemy who is well known for being murderously vicious and I will sell you to him in exchange for my girlfriend!

Sam: [beats him senseless, returns to group]

Sam: Can we _please_ get out of here now before I have to shoot someone? Possibly one of you three if you don't stop staring at my boobs in this stupid Pretty Princess dress?!

Jack: Sounds good. Just...could you maybe wear the Pretty Princess dress occasionally? You know, for special occasions?

Sam: [shoots Jack]

[Team goes back through gate, episode ends]

* * *

 _It has come to the attention of Management that people would like us to stop shutting down the action of the episode. Fine. Here:_

* * *

Mongol Kid: Haha, I capture you pretty stranger lady! I will take you to the tribe of my tribe's enemy who is well known for being murderously vicious and I will sell you to him in exchange for my girlfriend!

Sam: Oh no! I hope some big strong man will come save me, since I have completely forgotten that I am a trained soldier!

Vicious Mongol Leader: Grr! I will buy her from you! What do you want?

Mongol Kid: Your daughter!

VML: No! Take this gold!

Mongol Kid: Okay! [leaves]

VML: I will now imply nasty rapey things and hold a knife at your throat!

Jack: Hey, man, we want our friend back. You've got five seconds to hand her over or I shoot you.

Daniel: Jack, you can't shoot these people!

[Jack frowns, checks that his gun is loaded]

Jack: Pretty sure I can.

Daniel: Hang on, I'll deal with this. Mr. Vicious Mongol Leader sir, we'd like to buy our friend back. She's very special...a shaman. And a wise woman. And, uh, a chieftain! Yeah, that sounds good.

VML: No!

Jack: [shoots him]

Management: No, no, no. Cut it out, Jack! The readers want to see the episode's storyline actually happen!

Jack [facing fourth wall]: You're kidding, right? This is ridiculous. Why can't I shoot him?

Management: Because if you do then Sam doesn't get to have her big dramatic punch-up knife-fight where she gets to show how badass she is so that you start respecting her and the team can bond.

Jack: [sighs] Fine. Hey, Vicious Mongol Leader, how about this: I'll give you a gun for her. [aims gun, fires, breaks glass lamp]

Vicious Mongol Leader: Holy crap, dude, do you have any idea how expensive that thing was?! We're a nomadic tribe of steppes-dwellers, we don't have glass furnaces! Also, what's so impressive about a little noisemaker that breaks glass?

Management: Ahem!

Vicious Mongol Leader: [sighs] Fine. Ungh! Yes, strange-warrior-guy, me sell girl for funny bang-bang magic doohickey! Ungh!

Management: You don't have to be sarcastic.

Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill, you are not seriously considering giving a loaded firearm to a primitive with no concept of trigger discipline or firearm safety, are you? He is very likely to shoot us, either accidentally or on purpose.

Jack: Oh, yeah. Um. Good point. Okay...Sam, hang in there for a bit while we go back and talk to Mongol Kid's tribe.

[Team rides back to Mongol Kid's tribe]

Daniel: Hey, Mongol Leader, isn't there some highly convenient obscure law that will allow us to get Sam back?

Mongol Leader: Well...there could be a trial by combat between chiefs. Despite the fact that I am the only chief I'm aware of in this group and that I am old and crippled and know perfectly well that this is a fight to the death, I will volunteer.

[They make the challenge]

Vicious Mongol Leader: Pah! I will not fight a cripple!

Sam: Then fight me! Here's your chance to shut me up! And don't worry, despite the fact that I am a ridiculously smart woman, it will never dawn on me to ask if this is a fist-fight or a knife-fight, nor will it occur to me that it is almost certainly to the death. Put 'em up! [adopts an embarrassingly poor boxing stance]

Vicious Mongol Leader: Ha-ha, this is a knife-fight, and it's to the death! [draws knife, attacks]

Sam: [dodges for a bit to make him feel good, then plants him in the ground and jacks him up with her knife]

Vicious Mongol Leader: Grr, argh!

Sam: Woohoo! Air Force Captains rule, Mongols drool! Say it!

Vicious Mongol Leader: Never!

Sam: Say it!

Vicious Mongol Leader: Grr. Fine. "Your kung fu is better than mine."

Mongol Leader: Wow! That was so impressive that my tribe is going to stop being misogynistic!

[Team leaves, episode ends]


	2. S1E07 - The Nox

"Okay, guys, remember," Jack said. "This is a quick in and out. Find those invisble flying things, trank 'em, we're gone."

"Jack," Daniel said slowly. He raised on arm, pointing off into the woods. "Isn't that Apophis?"

Everyone looked; sure enough, there was Apophis tripping gaily through the woods with two Jaffa guards.

"I see that gold skirts aren't just for shipside," Jack commented. "Let's capture him."

"They're coming this way, sir," Sam noted. "And this looks like a great position for an ambush—plenty of cover, and we'll be shooting from about ten feet away."

"Sounds good," Jack said. "Remember, these guys aren't wearing helmets. Like Sam says, we're going to be about ten feet away from them, so I want headshots; one shot, one kill. Take your snipe, then immediately fire a burst into the body to be sure. Wait for my signal before firing."

 _Two minutes later..._

"Agh, what was thaaaa..." Apophis said as a series of trank darts hit him in the chest, dumping enough sedative into his system to drop a herd of elephants and completely overwhelm his parasite's healing ability.

"—!" said the Jaffa as a pair of P90 bullets turned their brains into Jello. A split second later, Teal'c's staff blast made the second Jaffa's head explode like an egg in a microwave.

"Well, that was surprisingly easy," said Teal'c.

"Yeah, can you imagine if we had all sprayed bullets wildly and jumped up out of cover to shoot?" Jack said.

"Someone might have died!" Sam said. She glanced at the cooling bodies of the Jaffa. "Well, someone we _like_ might have died," she corrected herself.

"Oh, cool," Daniel said as he stripped off Apophis's previously-shown-to-be-weaponized jewelry. "Check this out; it's some kind of personal forcefield. Would have stopped those trank dart cold—good thing we took Apophis out by surprise before shooting at the Jaffa."

"You are correct, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c added gravely.

"Okay, guys, round 'em up," Jack said. "I want to get Mr. Guyliner here into a nice comfy cell back at SGC; we can come back for the invisible bugs later."

[Team goes home, episode ends]


	3. S1E10 - Thor's Hammer

_~The canon version (dialogue paraphrased)~_

Unlike most of the planets SG-1 visited, this one had people immediately outside the gate. They were the usual array of dirt farmer peasants that seemed to inhabit every world; conveniently, their ethnic type and clothing very clearly placed them as descendants of a particular culture: the Vikings. Oddly enough, they were pointing at SG-1 and laughing. Just as unusual as laughing Viking peasants, immediately in front of the gate there was a stone obelisk with some sort of fancy cross up at the top.

"What are these dirt farmers doing here?" Sam asked. "There're no buildings or anything in sight, so why would a crowd happen to have been standing by the gate waiting for us to come through? I mean, they have a cart, but it's empty, so it's not like they were taking goods to market or something. So...why were they were just randomly standing around the gate?"

"That is an excellent question, Captain Carter," Teal'c said.

Thirty-two seconds after SG-1 emerged from the Stargate, the obelisk started humming as though it were building up a charge.

"It sounds like it's building up some kind of charge," Sam said.

"All right, we're out of here," Jack said. "Daniel, dial us home."

"Why?" said Daniel, utterly failing to pick up on the 'strange looking artifact humming like it's building up to explode' thing that Sam had _just_ said.

"Just do it, it's an order," Jack said.

Daniel shrugged, went to the DHD, and started pushing buttons at his usual arthritic-snail pace.

Eighteen seconds after the obelisk started charging, almost an entire minute after the arrival of the potential threat that the obelisk was supposed to protect against, it actually emitted a beam. The beam spent four entire seconds scanning Daniel, moved leisurely over to Sam, then to Jack, and finally to Teal'c. Fortunately, the trained and experienced soldier-explorer members of SG-1 were polite enough to stand still while the unknown and probably hostile artifact did its unknown and probably hostile thing.

The beam lingered on Teal'c for two seconds before noticing his symbiote; fortunately, the former First Prime of Apophis—one of the most dangerous and veteran warriors of a warrior race—stood still while the unknown and probably hostile artifact did its unknown and probably hostile thing. When it finally did notice the symbiote, Teal'c started screaming and thrashing but remained in place without even attempting to escape.

For the next seven seconds, everyone stood and stared as their friend suffered. Finally, in the eighth second, Jack ran over and tackled Teal'c at exactly the right moment for both of them to vanish.

"Damnit," Sam said. "Why didn't we move?"

"An excellent question, Sam," Daniel said. "Come on, let's see if we can find them."

* * *

 _Wait, that was stupid, and this is supposed to be a rational story. Let's try again._

* * *

Thirty-two seconds after SG-1 emerged from the Stargate, the obelisk started humming as though it were building up a charge.

Jack had been a black ops shadow warrior for over a decade; when something near a stargate started to hum, you didn't just stand there like an idiot. Nor did you waste time trying to dial home at the usual arthritic-snail pace.

"Take cover!" he shouted. SG-1 promptly dove behind the massive bulk of the Stargate and hunkered down.

Eighteen seconds after it started humming, a scanning beam came out of the obelisk. It flicked around the Stargate platform a few times like a clueless hound that couldn't find the scent, then shut off.

"Well, that was surprisingly easy," Teal'c said.

"Yes," Sam said, nodding. "Good thing we didn't just stand there, huh? I mean, that beam could have disintegrated us, or burned us to ash, or—"

"Or teleported us," Daniel supplied.

Jack snorted. "Teleported us? Don't be ridiculous. Obviously that thing was put here to guard the gate. If it didn't like us it would have killed us, not teleported us."

"An excellent point, O'Neill," Teal'c said. "I would suggest we leave now, either into the gate or away from it. In either case, we should move quickly; it apparently takes eighteen seconds for the obelisk to charge, so we should have time."

"Good point, Teal'c," Jack said. "Okay, let's get out of here. Daniel, dial us home. And try to move faster than an arthritic snail this time."

* * *

 _Hm, that was rational, but maybe there's another option?_

* * *

"It sounds like it's building up some kind of charge," Sam said.

 _Zap!_ went Teal'c staff weapon. The top of the obelisk shorted out and the charging noise stopped.

"Well, that was surprisingly easy," Teal'c said. "Come, let us investigate the area. Daniel Jackson, perhaps you could attempt to speak with the dirt farmers?"


	4. S1E20 - There But For The Grace of God

Season 1, Episode 20: There but for the Grace of God

The SG-1 team walked through the Stargate onto the alien planet dubbed P3R-233.

"Well, this place is definitely alien," Colonel Jack O'Neil said, his long Special Forces career making him look more for threats than for the cultural or technological marvels that his teammates would be looking for. "Sam, Daniel, why don't we split up for no good reason? You guys can check over there, Teal'c and I will check over here."

"With respect sir, the very sensibly pre-planned Stargate Exploration Protocols specify that the team should stay together," Sam said politely. She carefully did not roll her eyes.

"Right. Thank you, captain," Jack said, voice heavy with snark. "Lead on, then."

Before Sam could choose a direction, Teal'c spoke. "Colonel O'Neil, we need to leave this place immediately."

Jack glanced once at the strange monster-shaped piece of ironwork that Teal'c was staring at, then turned for the Stargate. "Right, let's go. Daniel, dial us home."

Moments later, the team was back in Stargate Command on Earth. Jack waited until the wormhole was safely closed behind them, then turned to Teal'c. "Okay, what was that all about?" he demanded. "I trusted your judgement because you're a respected teammate and there was no reason not to do what you said and then ask questions once we were all safe. Now that we're safely back in SGC, I'm asking questions."

"That sign was a Goa'uld marker," Teal'c explained. "It means 'stay away.' It is placed on worlds where the Goa'uld have wiped out all life. The surface of that planet will be enormously radioactive."

"Oh," Jack said. "Good thing we left. Okay, everyone hit the showers. We'll debrief in half an hour."

A few weeks later the Goa'uld showed up in their spaceships and killed everyone.

* * *

 _Wait, that was depressing. Let's try a different Everett branch..._

* * *

"That sign was a Goa'uld marker," Teal'c explained. "It means 'stay away.' It is placed on worlds where the Goa'uld have wiped out all life. The surface of that planet will be enormously radioactive."

Sam waited a beat, but Teal'c was finished talking. "The _surface_ will be radioactive?" she asked. "The Geiger counter on the MALP wasn't going off, so I'm guessing that facility was well underground. It should be safe to go back."

"There's a Geiger counter on the MALP?" Jack said in surprise. "Since when?"

Sam looked at him in barely-concealed disgust. "Since always?" she said. "That's pretty much the point of the MALP robot that we send through the gate before we go to a new world for the first time; the MALP tells us if the area immediately around the gate is safe. The video cameras tell us that there are no giant pits for us to fall into or people with guns to shoot us, the thermometers tell us that we won't instantly burst into flames or turn into popsicles, the air monitor tell us we won't suffocate from lack of oxygen or have our lungs melt from gaseous sulfuric acid, and the Geiger counter tells us that we won't suddenly grow a second head."

"That was an excellent expository infodump about the MALP, Captain Carter," Teal'c said with an approving nod.

"Thanks, I practice," Sam said.

"Personally, I'm still trying to convince them to put a basic automated bio-lab on the MALPs," Daniel said. "It would be good to know if the place is crawling with some disease that will kill us all. At the very least we should be going through in hazmat suits until we're sure there isn't an airborne Neanderthal virus or something."

"That is an excellent point, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said. "I will get the suits."

 _~twenty minutes later~_

"Chevron seven, locked!" Walter said, redundantly as always. If the giant glowy light and movement of the seventh chevron hadn't made it clear that it was locked, the kawoosh as the gate opened would have been a pretty good clue. Still, announcing what everyone could plainly see made him feel like he was contributing, so no one said anything.

The hazmat-suited SG-1 went through the gate and started exploring the facility.

"Hey, guys, look at this," Daniel said. "Some kind of weird mirror thing. I wonder what it does?" The others watched in interest as their resident mad social scientist stepped closer and ran his hands over the surface of the mirror; a visible jolt of electricity passed over him and he vanished into thin air.

"Jack?" Daniel said, looking around the suddenly empty room. No response came back. "Sam? Teal'c? Come on guys, this isn't funny."

Operating under the very sensibly pre-planned Stargate Exploration Protocols, Daniel called the others on the radio and, when he got no response, did a fast sweep of the area. The others were nowhere to be found, so he immediately retreated to the gate. Notifying SGC would let him bring backup in to help with the search, and would prevent him from being just another missing person.

Unfortunately, the moment he walked through into SGC he found that missing comrades were no longer his biggest problem.

"Put your hands on your head!" the gate-room guards shouted, pointing guns at him. "Who are you?!"

"What?" Daniel said, putting his hands on his head. "I'm Daniel Jackson. Is this a joke?"

It wasn't a joke. Three minutes later he was in the briefing room under guard when Dr. Langford walked in.

"Catherine, what are you doing here?" Daniel demanded in surprise. "What's going on?"

"You know me?" Dr. Langford said in surprise.

"Yes!" Daniel shouted, his frustration getting away from him. "I'm Daniel Jackson! You brought me in to translate the cartouche in Egypt! I helped build the Stargate program! We're friends, have been for a long time!"

Catherine frowned. "I've never met you before," she said. "But, given that I've seen duplicate SG-1 members made by crystalline intelligences and SG-1's consciousnesses switched into robot bodies, I'm prepared to believe that something strange is happening. Sit down and let's figure it out."

With both parties working together like sane people it didn't take long.

"I'm in a parallel universe?!" Daniel demanded. "You mean a different Everett branch, so named for the Many-Worlds Interpretation of quantum mechanics as formulated by Hugh Everett in 1957 in which he stated that every decision, no matter how tiny, causes a variety of new realities to branch off, one for each possible outcome of the decision, thereby resulting in an infinite array of realities many of which are essentially identical but some of which might be radically different?"

"Yes, exactly," Catherine said. "Nice expository infodump about Everett branches, by the way."

"Thanks, I practice," Daniel said.

"What I'm interested in is that you mentioned knowing the coordinates for Chulak," General Jack O'Neil said. "Give them to me. If this Chulak is the home world of the Jaffa who are the soldiers of the Goa'uld aliens who are currently busy exterminating all life on Earth, then I want to send a nuclear bomb through and blow up all the Jaffa on Chulak before that Goa'uld ship that just killed the President gets here."

"Nice expository infodump about the major aliens of this franchise," Catherine said.

"Thanks, I practice," Jack said. "Now, Daniel—coordinates? I want to get the bomb rolling."

"Well, you could," Daniel said. "But wouldn't it be better to hold off on that? There aren't actually very many people living near the Chulak gate, and they're mostly just primitive non-combatant slaves. Most of them are family of the Jaffa who are invading us, so actually sending the bomb through will just piss off the invaders, but the _threat_ of sending a bomb through would give you some negotiating leverage. Not a lot, though, since the guns on the Goa'uld spaceship are big enough to blow up the Stargate Command facility that we're all sitting in, even though SGC is buried under Cheyenne mountain."

"Nice expos—"

" _Thank you_ , Catherine," Daniel said, waving her quiet.

"Good point, Daniel," Jack said. "Okay, well, we're still evacuating people to the beta site, so we'll focus on that instead of taking time out to send a bomb to kill a few people who aren't involved in the immediate invasion anyway; that way we'll save a lot more lives. And we can always bring a few bombs through to the beta site; there's a gate there, so we can still send one to Chulak later, once all of our people are safely evacuated."

"Good idea," Daniel said. "On that subject, I'd really like to go home. Can you send me back to planet 233? Like Catherine said, that mirror is probably what sent me here; maybe I can use it to get back."

"I'm sorry, Daniel, but we can't take the time out to open a wormhole to 233," Jack said. "We need to keep evacuating people to the beta site ASAP."

"Wait, a minute ago you were going to take time out of the evacuation to send a bomb that wouldn't have done much good," Daniel said. "Besides, if you open the gate to 233 your refugees can go there with me and then move on to the beta site from there after I'm gone. If I'm crazy then sending me to 233 doesn't cost you anything but a few minutes, and if I'm not crazy then you'd be letting me save a billion and a half people."

"Oh, good point," Jack said.

 _A quick trip to 233, through the mirror, and back to home-dimension SGC later..._

"Wow, you guys will never guess what just happened," Daniel said. "Check out this video that I carefully made in the other Everett branch. It's full of statements from other versions of people we know in order to prove what happened, and it also contains all the information they had on the upcoming Goa'uld attack so we know what to prepare for, as well as full records of all the planets they have visited in case we haven't visited some of them."


	5. S1E21 - Politics

Season 1, Episode 21: Politics

"SG-1, get into your dress uniforms," General Hammond told them gravely. "Senator Kinsey will be here in a few minutes; he's on the Senate Appropriations Committee and he wants us to justify the existence of the Stargate program or he's going to shut it down."

Every single person on SG-1 blinked.

"Shut it down?" Daniel said in astonishment. "That would be stupid. The amount we're learning about human history and ancient cultures—"

"And the incredible advances in astrophysics and technology," Sam said.

"And the fact that—" Jack began, before Hammond raised a hand to cut him off.

"I agree with all of you," he said. "Don't tell me, tell Kinsey. He specifically wants to talk to you."

Sam frowned. "With us? Why us, General? We're front-line grunts, why would we be consulted on a matter of high-level national policy and funding?"

Hammond shrugged. "Don't ask me. But be in the briefing room in fifteen minutes. Dismissed."

 _Fifteen minutes later..._

"I'm Senator Kinsey," Senator Kinsey began. "For the remainder of this interview I will claim to be open-minded about the Stargate program, but actually I totally disapprove of it and intend to shut it down. It's a Pandora's box! You could bring back all kinds of diseases—in fact, you _have_ brought back diseases! And you've brought back nothing of value to make up for it!"

SG-1 looked at each other in confusion.

"Sir, have you actually _read_ the technical reports?" Sam asked carefully. "We brought back a staff weapon from the trip to Chulak. Studying it has given us enormous advances in power storage, room-temperature superconductors, and directed energy applications both military and civilian."

"Not to mention everything we're learning about ancient societies and—" Daniel said.

"I don't _care_ about ancient societies, Dr. Jackson," Kinsey snapped.

Daniel eyed him silently for a moment before continuing calmly. "I was about to mention the information we're getting from talking to the crystalline entities on P3X-562," Daniel said. "They have the ability to duplicate a human being on contact...including that person's memories. Best of all, the duplicate retains the mind of the crystalline entities, and the entities are friendly to us. The possibilities are endless—just to mention an application that will probably appeal to you, we can have the aliens duplicate military prisoners and then the entity can tell us everything the prisoner knows. Codes, technology, enemy plans...it's an incredible intelligence tool. And that's just the first military application that springs to mind; there are others."

"Do not forget about Nem, the aquatic individual who kidnapped Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said. "His technology allowed him to retrieve facts that Dr. Jackson did not consciously remember. The military applications are impressive, as are the possibilities for psychotherapy and jurisprudence."

"And, of course, there's Harlan," Sam said. "He has the ability to upload humans into immortal cyborg bodies. We have an entire team of engineers over there helping him restore his facility and studying his technology—even leaving the uploading aside, sir, the possibilities for cybernetic replacement limbs are incredible. We're working on duplicating his power source here on Earth so that we can start uploading people here. If we can make it work, no one will ever have to die again, sir."

"Well, there's the whole continuity flaw—never mind," Daniel said, shushing himself in response to Sam's glare.

"The force shield that we found on Avnil," Jack said. "Blocks all harmful radiation while letting normal light through. Fairly useful little thing, even if it does make everything look like it's soaked in Tang."

"What is Tang?" Teal'c asked with a frown.

Jack waved dismissively. "I'll explain later," he said. "Point is, the military and technological returns from the Stargate program are going to be measured in trillions of dollars, Senator." He paused. "That's _trillions,_ with a 'T'. Just in case you missed it."

Senator Kinsey glanced at his aides uneasily, then turned back to SG-1 and cleared his throat. "Well...that's all well and good, I suppose. But, aside from enormously energy-dense power supplies, room temperature superconductors, directed energy weapons, cybernetics, immortality-through-uploading, irresistable and trustworthy interrogation techniques, enormously powerful psychological tools, cultural and mathematical insights from other species, historical and sociological research, and skin-cancer prevention...what has the Stargate given us?"

"How about access to an infinite number of universes?" Daniel said. "On our last mission I found an alien artifact that transported me into an alternate Everett branch—sorry, a parallel dimension. If we can figure out how it works, we may be able to choose what branch we access, maybe even figure out how to bring significant cargo across. If so, the applications are endless. Just as one example, there are an infinite number of Everett branches where Earth is uninhabited. We could mine those branches for resources—that would give America a literally infinite supply of gold, lumber, oil...whatever we want."

Kinsey shifted uncertainly. "Infinite amounts of oil, huh?" he said.

Jack nodded. "Yessir. Imagine the power that would give us in the international arena; we could undersell every other oil exporter in the world and take control of the global market. America would control the world's energy supply."

"Not to mention infinite living space and farmland," Sam added.

"And let's not forget about the Everett branches where there _are_ people," Daniel said. "The one that I went to was similar to this one, but the timeline seemed to be a few days ahead of ours. There are sure to be other branches that are farther ahead, or branches where technology developed differently. We could make contact with those branches and trade with them. They'll have technologies that exist nowhere else on Earth."

"Also, some of these branches have people that we know," Jack said quietly, his eyes haunted as he stared at his hands. "People who died here are still alive there. Have you lost anyone, Senator? I have. My son is still alive, in another one of these branches. I can visit him again, if Daniel can get that mirror working." He looked up at the Senator, eyes blazing with rising anger. "So don't you tell me, _Senator_ , that the Stargate program hasn't paid off."

"I, ah...I think I've heard enough," Kinsey said. "Yes, you're definitely doing a great job here. Keep it up, gentlemen, ladies. Good day." He beat a hasty retreat.

"Well, that was surprisingly easy," Teal'c said.

"Yes," Sam said, nodding. "Good thing that we've actually taken advantage of all the opportunities we've been presented with, huh? I mean, somewhere out there is an Everett branch where we stupidly didn't go back and talk to Harlan, or Nem, or research the staff weapons, or anything."

Jack snorted. "Wow. The versions of us on that branch must be idiots; I'm just glad we don't live there," he said. "Come on, let's get out of these monkey suits and head to the cantina. First round's on me."


	6. SG1: S4E9 - ScorchedEarth

_A note from Management: I was very impressed with this episode. Aside from one or two moments of spectacular brainlessness, they all pretty much did it right. Now, on with the show!_

"We are so grateful to the Earthlings for finding us this new planet," said Enkarran Head Villager.

"Oh god oh god, we're all going to die!" said Enkarran Villager#2 as he came running up.

"What is it?" said Jack, leaping to his feet.

"You've got to come see this!" said Villager#2.

"Why can't they ever just describe it?" said Jack as he and the rest of SG-1 followed Villager#2.

"That is an excellent question, Colonel O'Neill," said Teal'c, jogging along beside.

As they reached the Stargate they looked into the distance to see an immense ship approaching, a curtain of fire below it destroying absolutely everything.

"Whoa," said Jack. Impressively, he managed to put actual emotion into the word, unlike that other actor.

 _Zoop!_ said the alien ship's transporter as it beamed up SG-1 and only SG-1 despite the fact that there were a bunch of Enkarrans standing right there.

"Hello," said Enkarran-looking-guy. "I just wanted to let you know what's going on. First, my name is Lotan, and I'm a biological interface that was built since yesterday, designed to look like the locals. This shows how advanced we are and makes it easier for me to talk to you. This ship was made by a peaceful and highly advanced race that was wiped out; it's the ship's job to terraform the planet so that this race can be reborn. The Enkarrans weren't here when we started; you brought them in afterwards. We're sorry for the Enkarrans, but we only have enough supplies to terraform one planet, so we can't stop the terraforming. We do have all the knowledge of my alien and highly advanced race, though, and we're happy to give you translations."

"Well, crap," said Jack.

"Despite being the smart people on the team, neither of us is going to say 'yes, thank you, we'd love a copy of your advanced technology that's been translated for our convenience'," said Sam and Daniel in unison.

 _Shortly after that, back in SGC, in the briefing room..._

"Sir, the ship is about a mile wide," Sam said to General Hammond. "It's completely destroying everything below it, and it seems to be terraforming the planet to support a new form of life based on sulphur instead of carbon."

"Can we evacuate the Enkarrans?" asked General Hammond.

"No sir," said Sam. "The ship will be on the village in twenty-six hours. It will destroy the Stargate, and there are too many Enkarrans to evacuate in that time. Teal'c is prepping the ones nearby enough to be evacuated; that's the best we can do."

"That's a very good decision, Major," said General Hammond. "I'm glad it's canon; it shows clear and rational thinking for once."

"Thank you, General," Sam said. "Unfortunately, even if we _could_ evacuate the planet, it wouldn't help. The Enkarrans go blind in a few days if they're exposed to any significant solar radiation, and this is the only planet we managed to find that has a thick enough ozone layer to keep them safe, and we can't reach their original homeworld."

"Can we make sunglasses for all of them that would allow them to see on another planet without going blind?" asked General Hammond in a very sensible and non-canon fashion.

"Oh...," said Daniel. "That's...a really good idea. It's tremendously obvious, so I wish it were canon."

"So do I," said General Hammond. "It still leaves the problem of 'can't evacuate them in time', though."

"How about taking some Stinger missiles through and blowing up the ship?" said Jack.

"Is that reasonable?" asked Daniel in his typical irritatingly peacenik fashion that was, unfortunately, absolutely correct this time. "I mean, this is a highly advanced race here, and they can only come back into existence on this one planet. The Enkarrans _could_ relocate, if we can make them some sunglasses."

"In any case, I can't authorize a military strike," said General Hammond.

 _~Back on the planet...~_

"The villagers refuse to evacuate," said Teal'c. "They are unwilling to abandon the rest of their people."

"Carter, you know that naquadah reactor that we gave these people to heat their homes?" Jack said. "Could you turn it into a bomb big enough to destroy that ship?"

"Sir, like any sensible reactor, that reactor is specifically designed not to blow up," Sam said.

"Carter!" said Jack, losing patience with the hedging.

"Yes, sir...I could," Sam said reluctantly, going completely against that 'specifically designed to be safe' thing she'd just mentioned.

"Jack, is that really reasonable?" said Daniel in his typical irritatingly peacenik fashion that was, unfortunately, absolutely correct this time.

"Daniel!" Jack snapped. "I'm not going to stand by and let these people be slaughtered. Time is a factor here, and if we can't do this then I am out of options. Unless you can give me another option, we're doing this!"

Daniel stood helplessly. "No, I don't have anything right now," he said.

"Carter, I am giving you a direct order to make that bomb," said Jack.

"Yes, sir," said Sam reluctantly, going out of frame to build the bomb from the reactor that was specifically designed not to become a bomb.

"Hey, Jack," Daniel completely failed to say. "The ship seemed to be willing to talk. Do you think we could just ask them to hold up for a while until we can evacuate the Enkarrans, or at least to change direction and terraform part of the planet that there aren't any Enkarrans on until we can get the Enkarrans to safety?"

"I'm going back to the ship to talk to Lotan," Daniel said instead.

 _Zoop!_ said the transporter.

 _~Five minutes later~_

"Here's the remote, sir," Sam said. "I don't think this is the right thing, but if you push that button the reactor will detonate. Once you push it, it can't be stopped."

 _~Meanwhile, on the ship.~_

"Hi, Lotan," Daniel said. "Look, you said the people of this ship were highly advanced. They had a respect for life, right? Why don't you come down to the planet with me and look at the trees and meet the people so that you get sympathy for the Enkarrans and feel miserable about the fact that you can't go against your programming and stop this highly advanced alien life from being born?"

"Okay," said Lotan, beaming them down so they could walk in the woods for a while.

 _~Meanwhile, back on the ground~_

"Where's Daniel?" Jack asked.

 _"He is back on the ship, Colonel O'Neill,"_ Teal'c said.

"Well, crap," Jack said.

 _Zoop!_ said the transporter as it beamed Daniel and Lotan into the village.

"Hello," said Lotan to Enkarran Head Villager. "Let's talk for a bit so that I can feel even more miserable about committing genocide."

"Okay!" said Lotan. They chat for a minute, and then...

"I must go back to the ship," Lotan said.

"Take me with you!" said Daniel.

"Daniel, no—!" said Jack.

 _Zoop!_ said the transporter as it beamed up both Lotan and Daniel.

Jack waits until the last possible second to detonate the bomb, looking horribly upset about killing his friend. In the end, he makes the utilitarian choice to save thousands of lives and reluctantly pushes the button to start the one-minute countdown. It is a Heroic Moment of Miserable Awesome and very well acted because Macgyv—er, Richard Dean Anderson totally rocks.

"Hey, look, we've detected a bomb," Lotan said.

"Yeaaaah," said Daniel. "About that. I don't suppose you can do anything, can you?"

"Yep," said Lotan, beaming the thing aboard with thirty seconds on the countdown. "Can you disarm it?"

"Nope," said Daniel.

"Okay," said Lotan, beaming it into the sky so it can harmlessly detonate.

"Hey, Lotan," said Daniel slowly. "When you were looking for a planet to terraform, you scanned lots of others, right?"

"Yes," said Lotan curiously. "This was the only one that worked, though."

"I don't suppose you found another planet that would work for the Enkarrans, did you?" Daniel asked.

"Huh," said Lotan. "That is a really good idea, and I'm glad it's canon. Yes, here's one. We rejected it in part because it had intelligent life on it...and, now that I think about it, I think they were Enkarran. Looks like this was their homeworld."

"Fantastic!" Daniel said.

 _Zoop!_ said the transporter.

"Hi," said Lotan to Enkarran Head Villager. "I found your homeworld."

"Yay!" said Enkarran Head Villager. "You're awesome!"

"The Enkarran homeworld has no Stargate," Teal'c pointed out. "How can we get them there?"

"Well, I have this friend with a really big spaceship...," Daniel said in a Crowning Moment of both Awesome and Understated Funny.

"Yay!" said Enkarran Head Villager.

And so the world was literally saved in a canon ending that was both unforeseen, totally rational, and really cool. Yay, SG-1!


	7. SG1: S503 - Ascencion

_**A word from the Management:**_ _This episode is suuupppppeeerr creepy when you look at the really-not-very-sub-at-all subtext in how Orlin approaches Sam for a romantic relationship. Reader discretion is advised._

* * *

"So what you're telling me," General Hammond said, "is that the planet contains remnants of a civilization the same age as our own with a giant superweapon sitting in the middle of it, that the superweapon is far more advanced than that of the surrounding civilization, that said civilization has been destroyed, the weapon is inoperable because its power core is missing, Major Carter figures she can plug in a naquadah reactor to replace it, and she collapsed while investigating the weapon but Dr. Frasier was unable to find anything wrong with her. Is that right?"

"Yessir," Jack said. "Also? _Great_ expository infodump there, General."

"Thank you, Colonel," the General said. "I practice. All right, I'm ordering all of you to take some time off while some other team that probably isn't as qualified as you investigates the ruins."

 _~Jump cut to the next day; Carter is at home getting her mail~_

"Hi," said Random Creepy Guy. He stood in the middle of the street, arms hanging unnaturally at his sides like someone who wasn't really familiar with being human.

"Hi?" said Sam dubiously.

"Nice to meet you," said RCG.

Sam stared at him even more dubiously. "Do I know you?"

"Nope," said RCG.

"Uh-huh," said Sam.

"I'm just here because this is where you live," RCG said in a voice that sounded like he was whacked out on Valium. "My name's Orlin, I'm a super advanced alien energy being who used to be human before he Ascended. I fell in love with you at first glance when you visited my planet. I stalked you through the Stargate, spent the night in your house watching you sleep, watched your TV and rifled through your books to learn how to talk and dress, and now I'm here to flirt with you very awkwardly and make you feel wildly uncomfortable and creeped out. Also, I've incarnated myself as a human again and I can never go back to being an Ascended unless it's convenient to the plot. Did I mention I love you and I spent the night in your house watching you sleep?"

Sam stared at him. "Great job!" she said. "I am _totally_ creeped out right now, Random Creepy Guy."

Management: Oy! Cut that stuff out! Orlin, you aren't supposed to give her that infodump until you're _inside_ her house! It's extra special creepy that way!

"Oh, sorry," said Orlin. "This linear concept of time is very confusing to a super-advanced Ascended being such as myself. Can we do that again?"

"Sure, take two," said Sam.

 _~Time rewinds fifteen seconds.~_

"I'm just here because this is where you live," RCG said.

"Uh-huh," said Sam, looking totally creeped out. "Yeaaahhh. I'm gonna go inside now, 'k? Bye!"

Inside, Sam locked the door like a sensible woman who was just accosted by an RCG. Flipping through her mail, she went to make some tea.

"Hi," said Random Creepy Guy from the other side of her kitchen island. "I came to do the infodump."

"Sure, sounds good," Sam said. "Lay it on me."

Random Creepy Guy looked vaguely surprised at actually getting to do it. "Oh. Okay. Hello there. I'm Orlin, a super advanced alien life form that fell in love with you at first glance when you visited my planet. I stalked you through th—"

Management: Skip!

"Why should I believe you?" said Sam.

"Well, I can walk through your kitchen island," said Orlin, walking through her kitchen island.

"That's pretty good," Sam said. "So, Orlin, tell me about yourself?" She waited until he was in full Valiumesque monologue and then beat feet out of there.

 _Jump cut to later. Guys in hazmat suits are installing cameras everywhere, Jack and Sam are sitting in the office area._

"I have listened to your report about how you met an alien," Jack said. "Despite the fact that reporting it was exactly what you were supposed to do and despite everything we've been through together and all the crazy weird stuff we've seen, I don't believe that you met an alien and I'm instead thinking you're crazy."

"Sir, reporting it was exactly what I was supposed to do and, also, think of everything we've been through together and all the crazy weird stuff we've seen," said Sam. "I _saw_ him."

"Sure, whatever," said Jack. "We'll spy on you through the cameras for a while. See you later." He gave her a dismissive shrug and left. Clearly, Sam's womanly vapors were nothing to worry about.

 _~Management detects a great disturbance in the Force, as though millions of feminists cried out in righteous anger and started picking up large implements of violence. Management sincerely hopes that they will direct their rage at the appropriate target: the writers of the original stupid episode who wrote this drek instead of at inappropriate targets such as Richard Dean Anderson who simply had to portray the drek or Management's own highly breakable self who had to convey the portrayal of the drek~_

"Hi again," said Orlin a few days later.

"Great," said Sam, facepalming. "Of _course_ you waited until right after the cameras were removed to come back."

"Yep," said Orlin. "I'm creepy and stalkerish that way. Oh, and if you go and bring them back I'll just hide again. Because I love you so much that I want your friends to lock you in a psych ward forever and ever so we can always be together in a small padded room."

"What do you _want_ from me?!" Sam demanded angrily. "I just came from a psych eval! Do you know what that means?! In the actual military it would at least delay my career, probably kill it. In TV-land it's just embarrassing for the next 31 minutes after which it will never be mentioned again!"

"My species have this special way of touching," Orlin said. "It feels really good, and it lets us pass the purest form of our essence to each other. You didn't realize it at the time, but I already touched you like that, back on the planet, and found out you were amazing. Now I want to touch you like that again so you'll find out how amazing I am. If you let me touch you like that then afterwards I'll go, if you still want."

"You have _no idea_ how rapey that sounded," Sam said. "You realize this show is on prime time, right? And you're basically telling me to lie back and think of England or you'll stalk me forever and make people think I'm crazy?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Orlin said.

"I thought you were some kind of super-advanced alien life form," Sam said. "Isn't that supposed to be a package deal with wisdom and a no-touchy rule with less advanced races?"

"Nah," said Orlin. "Mostly just phenomenal cosmic power and a Prime Directive that we ignore whenever we get a funny feeling in our pants." He brightened. "Oh, although—funny thing, the guy who played Q is on this episode as the government guy who's spying on you right now and will later on try to capture me. He's going to be portrayed as a villain, although he's actually being very sensible."

Management: Oy! Orlin, cut it out with the spoilers! We haven't seen that bit yet!

"Oh, sorry," said Orlin. "This linear concept of time is very confusing to a super-advanced Ascended being such as myself. Now, can we get back to the special touching?"

"Grumble, fine, whatever," Sam said.

The Audience: Cap'n! I'm givin' 'er all she's got, but the squick engines won't take much more of this!

Sam closes her eyes, Orlin turns into a glowing squid with his face hovering in it, wraps his glowing tentacles around her, lens flare blots out the scene, and then the two of them are standing there again at perfect kissing distance. [Word from Management: I swear on a stack of the _Principia_ that this is exactly how it went. I'm not sure I could write anything this squicky if I tried.]

The Audience: Holy crap, the squick engines just exploded!

"Wow!" said Sam, basking in the squicky no-really-it-wasn't-glowing-tentacle-sex-honest afterglow. [Word from Management: I swear that was her expression. Again, couldn't write this if I tried.] "That was amazing! So, tell me what's up with that planet?"

"Oh, that," Orlin said. "I wanted to help that civilization, so when the Goa'uld attacked I told them how to build that superweapon. They defeated the Goa'uld, but then they used the knowledge I gave them to start conquering other planets. The other Ascended beings went in and wrecked stuff up, then exiled me there."

"Hang on, if the Ascended things wrecked stuff up to keep people from using that weapon, shouldn't they have destroyed the weapon?" Sam asked, saying what The Audience is thinking.

"You'd think, yeah," said Orlin. "They told me to wreck it. I thought I had."

Sam stared at him in shock. "Dude, are you kidding me? In what bizarro-world logic system does 'I took the battery out' constitute wrecking something? You guys flattened everything _else_ on the planet, but not the weapon? What the hell—does Ascencion cause brain damage or something?"

"Oh, yeah," Orlin said. "Good point." He thought about it for a minute. "Yeah, probably brain damage." He shrugged. "Anyway, doesn't matter. I've become mortal now, and I can never be an Ascended again, so I don't have to worry about it."

 _~Jump cut forward nine days. Sam, Jack, General Hammond, and Q are in General Hammond's office~_

"Haha, Major Carter!" said Q. "I have been—"

"Spying on me, you've seen Orlin, you listened to us talk, you know he's an alien, and you're going to try to capture him in a few minutes. I know," said Sam.

Q blinked. "You know? How can you know?!"

Sam shrugged. "Spoilers, sweetie," she said.

"Great, let's go get him," said basically everyone.

 _~Jump cut to Carter's house, surrounded by Special Forces~_

"Send Carter in to bring him out," Jack said, talking to Q even though Sam was standing right there.

"Sir, is that a good idea?" Sam asked. "I mean, even if Orlin didn't hurt me himself, I could easy get shot by accident if the Special Forces guys have to assault. Aren't you at all concerned about my welfare? "

"Nah," said Jack. "Not this episode. This episode I'm carrying the Idiot Ball. See?" He pulled a small blue ball out of his pocket; it had the word 'IDIOT' written on it in red crayon.

"Very nice sir," said Sam with a tight smile. "Okay, in I go."

"Orlin, why have you built a mini-Stargate in my basement?" asked Sam.

"Oh, I need to get back to the planet," Orlin said. "I have to stop your team from testing the superweapon or the other Ascended will come back to wreck stuff up and probably destroy your civilization for using the weapon that none of us destroyed the first time around. Come to think of it, we didn't even put up a 'do not touch on pain of having your civilization wrecked up. Ah well, whatever." He dove through the mini-Stargate.

"Wait for meeeeeee!" said Sam, diving through the mini-Stargate.

"I tackle you!" said Orlin, tackling one of the trained military personnel who had just finished hooking up the naquadah reactor and pushing the 'do not push unless you _really_ mean it' button to start the unabortable test.

"I am tackled!" said the guy, going down in a heap. Orlin grabbed the zat from him and stunned him.

"Don't move!" said the other military guy, pointing a real gun at Orlin. Orlin kinda lay there, not saying anything or trying to shoot back because...um... [Management actually has no idea why not, and apologizes to The Audience for this entire episode.] Above, the weather started turning rough as the Ascended beings tied on their stuff-wrecking-up boots.

"Stop the test!" Sam said.

"I can't stop the test!" the other military guy said.

"You must stop the test!" Sam said.

"I can't stop the test!" the other military guy said.

" _I'll_ stop the test!" Orlin cried, yanking the power cable out of the wall. [Management: No, seriously. That's what he did.]

"Bang, bang!" said the other military guy, shooting Orlin repeatedly.

"My hero!" Sam said, flinging herself on Orlin. A single tear traced its way down her cheek.

The Audience: Yo, Sam! Why are you crying for this guy? He's like, creepy stalker dude, and you haven't even known him that long!

Amanda Tapping [facing fourth wall]: Look guys, this is my job, okay? I just have to portray this drek, explaining it is _not my problem!_ Now would you give me some space here? I'm trying to convey the idea that Sam is missing a great love interest, which is _really hard_ considering what I've been given to work with, and I don't need distractions!

The Audience: Eep. Sorry, ma'am.

"Major, we can't stop the test!" the other military guy said. "She's gonna blow, Cap'n!"

"I am a Major, _Lieutenant_ , and you will—oh, wait, that was a reference. Sorry. Anyway, we can't dial home on the gate because we can't take a chance on the blast wave from the reactor propagating back through the gate."

"No problem, Sam," Orlin said. "I got this." He turned back into his glowy tentacle form that he had previously said he could never turn into again, grabbed the reactor, and carried it away into the sky so that it could explode harmlessly. "Don't worry!" he shouted back. "Despite how much I supposedly love you, I won't be reincarnating myself to be with you again, or talking to you again any time soon, or anything like that. It's not you, it's me, okay? I just think we need a little space right now. Bye!"

"Well, that was surprisingly easy," Sam said. "I thought I was _never_ going to get rid of him."

"Indeed," said the other military guy. "Let's go home, ma'am. I really need a beer."

[Episode ends]


	8. SG1: S517 - Fail Safe

POTUS: I'm sorry, I think I must have misunderstood you. Major Carter, could you please repeat that? It sounded like you said we were lucky it was a bomb.

Sam: Yessir. We were lucky enough to discover that the 110km asteroid that was about to wipe out the earth was actually a bomb.

POTUS: ...Major Carter, I'm not sure you and I are using the word 'lucky' in quite the same way.

Sam: Sir, with respect, this really is great news. We can—

POTUS: Let's go back to the part where it's a bomb. Go back there and noodle around a bit.

Sam: Well, sir, as you know, two weeks ago we discovered that there was a 110km dinosaur-killer asteroid on a collision course for earth. We had a naquadah-enhanced nuclear bomb—

POTUS: Excuse me, Major—what is 'naquadah'?

Sam: Sir, naquadah is an extremely rare mineral that does whatever the plot requires. Mostly it either makes energy or it makes things blow up better.

POTUS: I see, thank you. All right, please, resume your briefing.

Sam: Yessir. So, here's the asteroid coming in. If it hits it will wipe out life on earth. We built a naquadah-enhanced nuclear bomb that would have had the explosive yield of one billion tons of TNT.

Jack: That's a lot, sir.

POTUS: Thank you, Colonel O'Neill.

Daniel [helpfully]: Technically, sir, it's a gigaton.

POTUS: _Thank you_ , Doctor Jackson.

Sam: Anyway, sir, we used a Goa'uld cargo ship to put the bomb on the asteroid but while we were there I did a scan and we realized this must be a Goa'uld attack. Under the terms of the treaty that the Goa'uld have with the Asgard, the Goa'uld aren't allowed to attack Earth but the Asgard aren't allowed to stop asteroid strikes. So, the Goa'uld brought this asteroid here and sent it at Earth. Just in case we tried to use a nuke to redirect it, they filled the middle of the asteroid up with naquadah. 45% of the asteroid's mass was naquadah; if we'd set off the bomb, the naquadah in the asteroid would have gone off with a force equal to that of a supernova.

Teal'c: Major Carter, I should point out that although you said 'mass', the readouts on the scan that you did actually indicated that it was 45% of the asteroid's _volume_. Given the density of naquadah, this represents an enormously larger quantity of naquadah, the mass of which would dwarf that of the remaining asteroid.

Sam: Right, thanks, Teal'c. Anyway, we thought that causing a nova was bad and letting the rock crash was bad, so instead we expanded the hyperdrive field on our cargo ship to include the entire asteroid and from one side of the planet to the other. The asteroid is drifting slowly out-system now.

POTUS: Well, now I see what you mean about how lucky you were to notice that it was a bomb. If you hadn't realized it, we all would have died.

Sam: Sir, no, that's not it. The Goa'uld just gaves us a bazillion tons of naquadah! It can generate energy! Earth's energy problems are solved forever!

POTUS: Forever, huh? Well, that was surprisingly easy. Good job, everyone. Have a drink in the bar on me.

* * *

 _ **A note from Management:**_ _Apropos of this episode, look up Project Orion on Wikipedia. It was a real thing, and quite possibly the coolest thing ever dreamed up by a human mind._


	9. SG1: S519 - Menace

Sam: Ooh, look, this alien planet has been utterly wiped out a long time ago and we just found this beautiful-female-human-looking gynoid who's shut down. Let's take her back to SGC!

Jack: No. That would be stupid. You can study her here.

[Episode ends]

* * *

 _Doh, that was no fun. Hang on, trying again..._

* * *

Jack: Are you sure it's safe?

Sam: Yep!

Jack: ...okay, let's bring her back.

 _~Back in Sam's lab at SGC~_

Sam: Wow, this is CRAZY advanced. And look—there's nanotech self-repair bots inside it! They're currently inacti—

General Hammond: Get that thing back through the gate NOW, Major! The last time we had nanotech in here it almost killed Colonel O'Neill and destroyed the base.

Sam: But siiiirrrr!

General Hammond: We'll set up a lab for you on the other side of the gate. Get it out of here, _immediately!_ That is a direct order, Major!

[Episode ends]

* * *

 _Damn, this is tough. Okay, how about this?_

* * *

Sam: Wow, this is CRAZY advanced. And look—there's nanotech self-repair bots inside it! They're currently inactive, though. We'll need to get the Asgard to help us, because I totally don't understand what I'm looking at. Although, I did manage to figure out why she's shut down: she's out of batteries. And I've figured out how to make a new battery for this super-advanced thing that I totally don't understand. How's about we turn it on?

General Hammond: No. That would be stupid. Study her first, maybe get the Asgard in. Once you understand her better we'll _consider_ turning her on.

[Episode ends]

* * *

 _Grrr. Hang on, trying yet again..._

* * *

Sam: I've figured out how to make a new battery for this super-advanced thing that I totally don't understand. How's about we turn it on?

General Hammond: I love this plan, I'm excited to be part of it. Go for it.

Reese: Hi! My name's Reese! I know I look like a smoking-hot early-twenties chick, but I talk like a bratty six year old! I want my father! I went to sleep because he said there was a danger and that he would wake me up when it was over. Will you play with me? Can we go outside?

Daniel [to SG-1]: I don't think she knows she's a robot. We shouldn't tell her; it would be a huge shock.

Jack: Are you sure you're not just reacting to the fact that she looks smoking hot? Meh, whatever. I'm going back to the planet to check in with the team that's looking for technology.

 _~On the planet~_

Team that's looking for technology: Hey Colonel, check this out: it's a replicator brick!

 _~Back at base~_

Daniel: I don't get it; the replicators eat technology. Why would they have eaten everything else on the planet but not her?

Sam: Maybe she emits some kind of signal that repels them?

Jack: Or maybe she's a replicator herself, right? Replicators are robots made out of nanotech and so is she. Granted, she's smoking hot and they're made out of grey Legos.

Teal'c: That is an excellent point, O'Neill.

General Hammond: Get that thing back through the gate NOW, Major! If there's any chance at all that she's a replicator, I want her gone. We'll set up a lab on the other side and you can figure out which option it is over there.

[Episode ends]

* * *

 _Damnit. Sigh..._

* * *

Daniel: Hi, Reese. Let's talk.

Reese: Look, Daniel! You were saying you wanted to have more fun, and I wanted to help, so I made you a toy! I was going to make you a replicator as a toy, but the last time I did that I lost control of them and they wiped out my planet, killed my father and all my friends, and then went away and left me all alone forever and ever. I thought maybe that wouldn't be a smart thing to do again. So, instead of a replicator I made you a teddy bear!

[Episode ends]

* * *

 _Damnit!_

* * *

Reese: Look, Daniel, I made you a replicator as a toy!

 _~Five minutes later, the replicator is in a glass box in Sam's lab~_

Jack: Why are we keeping this thing again?

Teal'c: An excellent question, O'Neill.

Sam: It doesn't seem to be doing anything, sir. Studying one could be immensely valu—

General Hammond: Get that thing back through the gate NOW, Major! Both the replicator and Reese! If she can make replicators, I want her gone. We'll set up a lab on the other side and you can continue to study her there.

[Episode ends]

* * *

 _Argh!_

* * *

Sam: It doesn't seem to be doing anything, sir. Studying one could be immensely valuable.

Reese: Grr! I'm angry because you told me that I'm a robot and now you're going to hate me and be afraid of me and try to kill me! That's what happened back on my world—people told me that my father made me wrong, so I made lots of replicators to protect myself, and I taught them how to make more of themselves and then I lost control of them and they—

Management: Skip!

Reese: I'm going to make lots of replicators and take over the base!

 _~Five minutes later, General Hammond and Sam are at the SGC's self-destruct device. Hammond is carrying a SPAS-12 shotgun and showing what a badass he is.~_

General Hammond: Three, two, one, turn! The device is armed. Either we contain this thing or in five minutes we're all gone, so are Reese and the replicators, and the Earth is safe.

Daniel [in 'Gate room with Reese, surrounded by replicators]: Reese, I want to be your friend. Please, shut down your toys and come with me. I'll show you my world.

Reese: Okay! [goes with him]

Daniel: _stealthily reaches to pull her batteries out_

Reese: Grrr! You were trying to trick me! I will jack you up in a nasty yet poorly-executed wrist lock and then send my replicators to destroy everything! Well...everything except you, the person who is right in front of me and has just pissed me off.

Daniel: Please, Reese! The replicators have destroyed multiple worlds! Shut them down, go to sleep. I promise I'll wake you up as soon as we can figure things out. I won't let anyone hurt you, I swear. Also, your father made you wrong!

Reese: I'm so scared and indecisive! I don't know what I should do!

Jack, bursting in through door: You should die! Bang, bang, goes my shotgun!

Reese: I die! I will lie back down in the same position as when I went to sleep. I'm sure that my self-repair nanobots won't be at all capable of dealing with some buckshot.

 _~Every replicator in the base suddenly turns into individual Legos~_

Daniel [crying]: Jack, you stupid son of a bitch. You just shot the only chance we'll ever have of stopping the replicators. She was stopping. The replicators didn't die because you shot her, they died because she told them to.

Jack: And I had no way to know that! Daniel, this was the only way this could go down, and you know it.

Daniel: Yeah, you're right. Never mind.

Cast of the Buffy musical episode: Well the battle's done...and we kinda won...so let's raise our victory cheer. [depressed silence follows]

[Episode ends, and Management FINALLY doesn't have to do another take]

* * *

 _ **A note from Management:**_ _Colonel Hammond is by far my favorite secondary character. He is a great leader, a total badass, and a savvy political infighter. This particular chapter is dedicated to the late lamented Don S. Davis, the talented actor who did such a great job bringing General Hammond to life._


	10. Chapter 10

_**A word from Management:**_ _This isn't an actual episode, just a series of things that I think should have happened._

* * *

 _Some time after Ba'al becomes the main villain and Jack is the commander of the SGC..._

Sam: Sir, you know the Asgard, our allied super-alien race who have been helping keep the Goa'uld off our necks all this time and periodically providing deus-ex-machina rescues from things we couldn't have solved any other way?

Daniel: Nice exposit—

Jack: Daniel!

Daniel: Right, sorry. Sam, you were saying?

Sam: Well, a while ago, Anubis captured Thor, the Supreme Commander of the Asgard Fleet, and plugged his brain into a computer. A while after that, Anubis came down with a bad case of the dead, and Ba'al stole all of his stuff. Among other things, that includes Asgard teleportation technology. Ba'al can teleport anything in or out of anywhere that he wants. Anything up to at least 64,000 pounds—the weight of the Stargate, since the Asgard once beamed up our gate.

Daniel: Wow, nice exp—

Jack: DANIEL! Do I have to sew your lips shut?

Daniel: Sorry.

Jack: Sam, why are you telling me all this?

Sam: Well, an Asgard teleporter just beamed up our Stargate and beamed down a giant bomb. I just wanted to say that I have always lov—

Bomb: Boom!

[episode ends]

* * *

 _At some point ever..._

Random SG team leader: We're coming in hot!

General Hammond: Open the iris!

Random SG team: Run away! Run away!

Jaffa grenade: Wheeee! I bounce through the gate behind you and kill everyone in the gate room!

* * *

 _At some point about five minutes after Jack first walks into the gate room..._

Jack: General Hammond, I'd like to talk to you about the gate room defenses.

General Hammond: What about them, Colonel?

Jack: They suck, General.

General Hammond: Excuse me?

Jack: Our defenses consist of a bunch of guys with M-16s.

General Hammond: And two .50-caliber gun mounts with metal shields.

Jack: Yes, let's not forget about those. Or the fact that the shields only reach to the user's waist.

General Hammond: Well, what do you suggest, Colonel?

Jack: First of all, there's no reason to have people in there. I'm thinking a series of claymores. Also, we should have a system that lets us drop the ramp leading up to the Stargate. Without it there, anyone coming through the gate would fall ten feet and probably break a leg. Ideally, the ramp should be able to sprout spikes for them to fall on. Next, I'm not really clear on why the control room needs to have a _window_ that looks over the gate room. I'm also not sure why that window needs to be _directly in front of the gate_ , where any staff blast, trinium arrow, or other random attack coming through the gate will be aimed right at it. Even with the blast shield, that's just stupid. Let's seal that off and have the view come from cameras.

Colonel Hammond: Those all sound like excellent suggestions, Colonel.

Carter: Also sir, I think there's something else we can do. As you know, a wormhole is one-way; anything that tries to go through an incoming wormhole's event horizon is destroyed. We could set up some hydraulic actuators capable of shifting the gate into a horizontal position and back to vertical. When not in use, or when we're expecting hostiles, we can tilt it flat. That way, any weapons coming through will just hit the ceiling, and any _enemies_ that come through will immediately fall back through and be destroyed.

General Hammond: That's brilliant, Captain.

Carter: Thank you sir, but it's not mine. I read it on SpaceBattles, in a 'what if it was Canada that had the gate due to wacky shipping mixup' fanfic.

General Hammond: Original or not, it's something we need to do. Colonel, make it happen. All of it.

* * *

 _Again, at some point..._

Typically crazy Goa'uld: Behold! I sit on my throne in the middle of my palace and show that I am full of ego and crazy!

Ring transport: zzzzhhhwoop! [A large crate appears, with a note stuck to the top]

TCG's chief Jaffa: My Lord, this note is addressed to you! [hands it to him]

TCG [reading aloud]: "Dear Crazy Snakehead: we just realized that the ring system is a short-ranged teleportation device that can connect to any ring platform, and that you crazy snakeheads seem to keep ring platforms in your quarters or throne rooms. We also realized that we have cloaked starships and naquadah enhanced nukes. Happy birthday."

TCG: Nooooooooo—

Naquadah enhanced nuclear bomb: Boom!

[Episode ends]

* * *

Junior cargo guy: Man, this pallet that we're pushing is heavy. What are we moving, anyway?

Senior cargo guy: Radioactive nuclear waste.

JCG [wide-eyed]: E-e-excuse me? Am I going to spontaneously grow a second head?

SCG: Nah. You'll probably develop superpowers, though. Try to focus on which one you want; supposedly you can influence the choice.

JCG: Really?!

SCG: Nah, I'm just messing with you. Actually, we're disposing of this stuff. We put it on a platform in front of the gate as it opens and the kawoosh makes it go away forever. They say we'll be able to shut down Yucca Mountain by the end of the year.

JCG: Wow, that's awesome!

SCG: Keep cool, newbie; it's just another day on the job. We're having tacos for lunch. Now _that's_ awesome.


	11. Atlantis S1E04 - Suspicion

Stargate Atlantis: S1E04 - Suspicion

 **A note from Management:** And thus we end our time with SG-1. Our last chapter covered Season 8, episodes 19 and 20. There's no following chapter for seasons 9 or 10 because there was no massive stupidity in there to mock. I think there were four or five mockable episodes that I never wrote up, but check this out: Ten _years_ of this show, 213 episodes, and I can count on one hand the number of episodes worthy of mockery. (Granted, I can count on my fingers in binary.) That is pretty damn amazing, when you think about it. Granted, seasons 9 and 10 were nowhere near the quality of seasons 1-8 and General Landry just doesn't measure up when compared to General Hammond, but it was still fun.

So, now we're on to Stargate Atlantis and oh god the horror. First, they killed Robert Patrick in the first episode. WHAT?! Why would you do that? He's a great actor and excellent at military roles! (If you haven't watched 'The Unit', you really should.) Anyway, this isn't nearly as much fun as SG-1 but it's still worth being watch-during-workout fodder. The first episode...yurgh. Go read 'synecdochic. dreamwidth. ' (or google for 'synecdochic dreamwidth city edge of forever' if FFN mangles the link even after I've spaced it.) synecdochic did a great job with it and I'm not going to rehash what she's already written.

Anyway, on with the show!

* * *

Weir: Wow, Sheppard, you've run into our enemies the Wraith five times on your last nine missions, so we must have a traitor among us—although it can't possibly be one of the SGC humans from Earth; we only came through the Stargate from Earth a few weeks ago, and since we're in the Pegasus galaxy right now (which is hella far from Earth) there's no way any of us would have contacts among the Wraith or even know anything about them...well, I mean, granted, you woke all the people-farming Wraith up from their centuries of sleep when you killed all the ones who were awake in their hive ship while you were trying to rescue Robert Patrick, that Athosian chick, and a couple other SGC folks after the Wraith kidnapped all of them with their transporter beams. Nope, the traitor must be one of couple of hundred Athosian people that we brought here to Atlantis in order to prevent them from having all their lifeforce drained out by the Wraith since that's what the Wraith eat.

Sheppard: Holy crap, did you say all that in one breath?

Weir: No, it was two sentences. I can try again, though?

Management: Please don't. Also, John, I see you opening your mouth to drop the obligatory 'nice expository infodump' catchphrase: don't.

Sheppard: Awww!

Management: Shut it. Get on with the story.

Sheppard: *grumble* Fine. Ah...line?

Weir: 'A traitor among us?!'

Sheppard: Right, thanks. A traitor among us?! Weir, that's nuts. None of the Earthlings would know how to communicate with the Wraith, and none of the Athosians would want to. The Wraith have been farming them for centuries, going through and killing them every few decades or so and preventing them from developing modern technology. They wouldn't help the Wraith.

Weir: Do you have a better idea?

Sheppard: Yes. Someone is unknowingly giving our location away. Maybe the Wraith have some way to track them.

Weir: That's crazy talk.

Sheppard: Look, it's my team that keeps running into the Wraith. Most likely the problem is with someone on my team. That probably means Teyla, because she's the Athosian. Maybe she's got some particular signature they can track. Why don't we check?

Weir: Aww. I wanted to confine all the Athosians to their quarters and then interview them one by one, forcing them to alibi themselves for any moment that they weren't in physical sight of an Earthling, thereby causing distrust and ruining our relationship. But, fine, I suppose we can just check Teyla.

 _~Five minutes later~_

McKay: Oh, hey, look. Teyla's necklace has a transmitter in it. Given that she lost it when she was a kid and only got it back when Sheppard found it and put it on her all sexy-like, there's basically zero chance she's a traitor.

Everyone: Wow, what a relief!

 _~Episode ends~_


	12. Atlantis S4E05 - Travelers

Season 4, Episode 5 - Travelers

 _ **Author's Note:**_ _There's been a bunch of stupid since the episode I did for the previous chapter, but I didn't get around to writing it up. Still, this one was so egregious that I had to do it._

* * *

Sheppard: Atlantis Control, I'm coming back through the space gate...hey, wait, there's another ship here.

Laren: Hi, I'm Laren, the sexy and tough-as-nails leader of these people. We've found this ancient Ancient battleship and we need some help to get it working again. You're flying an Ancient puddlejumper right now, so you must have the magic gene that unlocks all their tech. What do you say to an alliance?

Sheppard: Wow, that sounds awesome! We'd love to have a working Ancient battleship to study. We're in.

[episode ends]

* * *

 _Damn, that was short and had nothing to do with the canon version. Okay, let's try that again._

* * *

Sheppard: Atlantis Control, I'm coming back through the space gate...holy crap, someone's shooting at me.

Sheppard's ship: Ima gonna nap now. [shorts out and powers down]

Menacing Captor #1: I will tie your hands and march you through my heavily jury-rigged ship in an excellent piece of silent exposition that clarifies how we are a group of intrepid and hardscrabble people keeping our ship going with ingenuity and bubble gum, thereby implying how desperate and dangerous we are.

Menacing Captor #2: Feh, I'll just beat the snot out of you. What's your name, where are you from, and where did you get that ship?

Sheppard: [stoics]

Laren: Hi, I'm Laren, the sexy and tough-as-nails leader of these people. We've found this ancient Ancient battleship and we need someone like you who has the ATA gene to help us get it working again. Help us and I probably won't throw you out an airlock...maybe. And don't worry, there's radiation pouring out of the drive, but we've set up thingummies to shield important parts of the ship.

 _~They go to the bridge of the battleship~_

MC#3: Okay, we need you to put the ship through its paces while I record so that I can make it work without you next time. Fly the ship forward a little.

Sheppard: Okay. [turns off the inertial dampeners, flies the ship forward at a few Gs so that all the bad guys are thrown into walls and knocked out]

Laren: Clever.

Sheppard: Thanks.

Laren: Not you, the writers. Sure, it's an old trick, but using sudden acceleration to turn the tables on captors is always clever. Anyway, I've turned off the radiation-protecting thingummies. You'll fry if you don't turn over the ship.

Sheppard: You're bluffing. I've got two of your guys tied up in here; you wouldn't sacrifice your own people.

Tied up MC#2: She totally would.

Sheppard: Damn.

Brig door: [ominous close]

Laren: You bastard! You set the ship to broadcast a distress call before you turned it over, and now there's a Wraith ship coming!

Sheppard: I got this. [uses the ship's weapons to blow up the Wraith. Conveniently, all of Laren's stooges are killed before he finishes]

Wraith boarder: Hah! I eat you! [snacks on Laren]

Sheppard: Feel this gun against your head? Hand me your stunner very slowly, then put back all the energy you just took from Laren, then leave. There's a space gate a few hours away; take your dartship and go there.

Wraith: Um...okay. Or I could just turn around really fast, knock your gun away, and then beat the crap out of you. [does so] You really should have kept your distance, you know? Now Ima gonna eat you both.

[episode ends]

* * *

 _Damn, that was depressing. Let's try again._

* * *

Wraith Boarder: Hah! I eat you! [snacks on Laren]

Sheppard: Feel this gun against your head? Hand me your stunner very slowly, then put back all the energy you just took from Laren, then leave. There's a space gate a few hours away; take your dartship and go there.

Wraith Boarder: Really? This is your plan? I mean...I know it's canon, but it's kinda stupid, don't you think? Why don't I just whip 'round real fast, beat the crap out of you, and then eat you both? It's been shown time and again that Wraith heal from pretty much anything and are enormously strong and good at hand-to-hand.

Sheppard: Meh, not really. You guys have had wicked bad Badass Decay since season one. Now you're only really good for jump scares.

Wraith Boarder: Too true, too true. We live in fallen times. Okay, well, I guess I'll just do what you said. [hands over stunner, heals Laren, leaves]

Sheppard: [tucks stunner in back of belt, helps Laren up. The gun he was holding on the Wraith vanishes into thin air] You okay?

Laren [sexily]: Ooh, you're so big and strong, thank you so much! [leans in to kiss him]

Sheppard: Oh no you don't! I've watched Firefly! You're just doing a YoSafBridge and trying to distract me while you get my gun! Let's get you locked up in the brig and then I'll see about meeting up with my friends that I signaled and who are undoubtedly on their way.

Brig door: [ominous close]

Other Traveler ships: [come out of hyperspace]

Enemy Guy #1: Hey there, we're Laren's folk and we're here to capture you again!

Sheppard: Let's review. I'm pissed off, I've got your leader trapped, and I'm flying a battleship. You're in taped-together rust buckets. How about I push her out the lock in a suit, you pick her up, and then you piss off?

Enemy Guy #1: Sounds good!

[episode ends]

* * *

 _Hm, that wasn't anything like canon either._

* * *

Sheppard: [tucks stunner in back of belt, helps Laren up. The gun he was holding on the Wraith vanishes into thin air] You okay?

Laren [sexily]: Ooh, you're so big and strong, thank you so much! [leans in to kiss him]

Sheppard: Oh no! You have taken my gun and stunned me! If only I had watched Firefly! [crumples]

Brig door: [ominous close]

Other Traveler ships: [come out of hyperspace]

Enemy Guy #1: Hey Laren, good to see you again!

Laren: You too, Enemy Guy #1. Send over some techs and a security team, okay?

Sheppard: Damnit, you don't have to do this! The Wraith are getting their butts kicked by the replicators. You guys have ships and weapons; once the Wraith have been sufficiently beat up, you could turn the tide.

Laren: Are you offering me an alliance? Even after everything I did to you?

Sheppard: Well, yes. The cool part is that this is even canon.

Laren: Okay, I'm in. Let's go contact your people and set up the details.

Sheppard: Oh. Wow, that part wasn't canon. Cool, let's do it. There's a stargate near here, we can fly to that and then I'll call Atlantis from there.

[episode ends]

* * *

 _Sadly, that was not the way it ended in canon._

* * *

Laren: Are you offering me an alliance? Even after everything I did to you?

Sheppard: Well, yes. The cool part is that this is even canon.

Atlantis puddlejumper fleet: [arrives]

Major Lorne: Okay, McKay, we're here. There's an Atlantian battleship and three rust buckets. Which one do I target?

McKay: I'm not sure. We'll need to figure it out before they jump to hyperspace, though.

Battleship and rust buckets: [jump to hyperspace]

McKay: Holy crap, there's a puddle jumper and a life sign out there! They must have let Sheppard go before they jumped to hyperspace! Sheppard, hi!

Sheppard: Hey there, guys. Sorry for making you come all this way; it took a while for my manly charms to work on the sexy but tough-as-nails leader of those people. Anyway, they wanted an alliance.

McKay: Cool! So, they left you some sort of communication protocols, right? Some way for us to get in touch so we can send people to help them get the battleship repaired? I mean, after all, that's pretty much what they would want out of an alliance, right?

Sheppard: Ooh, yeah. That probably would have been a good idea. Oh well. Let's go home and have some steak!

[episode ends]


	13. Atlantis S4E06 - Tabula Rasa

Season 4, Episode 6 - Tabula Rasa

 _ **A word from Management:**_ _Oh my god, the stupid..._

* * *

McKay [waking up]: Huh? What? What's going on? Why can't I remember my name? Why am I ziptied to a chair with an iPad in front of me? And why is there a Post-It note on the iPad that says 'push here'?

Management: Wow, nice expository infodump, especially for someone with total retrograde amnesia.

McKay: Thanks, strange directionless voice. I don't even remember my own name, but I probably practice.

[pushes iPad button]

McKay-on-iPad: Hi, Rodney. I'm yourself from a few hours ago. There's not a lot of time, so you need to listen closely: I ziptied myself to the chair to make sure that I'd see the iPad when I woke up. There's a knife duct-taped to the bottom of the chair so you can cut yourself loose. This is Atlantis and all of the people in it are your friends. Unfortunately, we all caught a disease which makes you forget absolutely everything. Major Lorne and some soldiers are out in the halls trying to corral people into the mess hall; I don't think they know why they're doing it anymore so you probably can't argue with them. Teyla and Ronon are both immune to the disease because _reasons_. Ronon and Sheppard went to the mainland to get a plant they need to make the cure. Here are the pictures of all three of them. Here's a map with your lab marked. Go there, finish the program that will override the safety protocols so you can aerosolize the cure and pump it through the air system. As soon as Teyla and Ronon show up you can cure everyone. Good luck!

McKay: What? How in the world am I supposed to finish that program?! I don't remember my own name, much less the inner workings of some complicated computer system!

McKay-on-iPad: Oh, one more thing: your name is Rodney McKay, and to finish the program all need to do is push 'Return' on the keyboard. I'm not sure why I didn't do that before leaving the room, but I didn't. Okay, good luck!

McKay: That was two more things. And what about the cure? Even if this Teyla and Ronon come back with the plant, who's going to turn it into a cure and then aerosolize it?

Management: Sssshh. Just sing the MST3K theme song and get moving.

[A few hours later]

Teyla: Well, that was surprisingly easy.

Ronon: Seriously. Can you imagine if McKay had left himself some ridiculously cryptic message like 'This is Teyla, you need to find her' with no further explanation?

Sheppard: Well, it probably would have been more exciting. I mean, just think about it—there might have been dramatic running through hallways, hiding from Lorne, being captured, breaking out of the brig. It would have been great!

McKay: It would have been _stupid_. I'm smarter than everyone else on this base put together, Sheppard—do you really think I'd be that much of an idiot?

Sheppard, Teyla, and Ronon: [trade significant glances]

Ronon: Well, there was that one time, when you blew up a planet.

Teyla: And that other time, when you almost destroyed the universe.

Sheppard: And that _other_ other time, when you—

McKay: All right, all right. Still, any idiot would have realized that he could take ninety seconds to leave clear directions. I mean, what do you think I am—some stupid TV character who picks up the idiot ball just to create dramatic tension for forty-one minutes?

Sheppard, Teyla, and Ronon: [trade significant glances]


	14. Atlantis S4E20 - The Last Man

Season 4, Episode 20 - The Last Man

PA: Unscheduled activation! It's Colonel Sheppard's IDC!

Sam: John, you're back! You've been missing for twelve days, where were you?!

Sheppard: When I stepped through the gate twelve days ago there was another one of those solar-flare-induced time travel things. I was sent to Atlantis 48,000 years in the future, after the sun was turning into a red giant and all the oceans had boiled away.

Sam: Wait, what? That makes no sense. It takes way longer than fifty thousand years for a sun to noticeably expand when it goes red giant. 'The oceans boiled away' makes even less sense. If they did they would just become water vapor. It would either fall back to earth somewhere else or it would form a runaway greenhouse effect that would have turned the planet into someplace like Venus—hot enough at the surface to melt lead. You would have died instantly when you stepped through the gate.

Sheppard: Don't look at me. I kick doors for a living. Sure, I supposedly have a MENSA-level brain, but I only do smart things when the plot requires it. Anyway, the city was empty but there was a hologram of Rodney there.

McKay: There was? Cool!

Sheppard: Yeah, you apparently spent twenty-five years coming up with a way for me to get home and you left a time-capsule waiting for me. I got there, you put me in stasis until a flare came along that could send me home, and here I am.

McKay: Wow, that sounds...boring, actually. No real tension. Did anything else happen?

McKay: Not really. We mostly talked about the horrible things that happened to everyone else. I walked through a sandstorm, which seemed like it was going to be tense and interesting but really wasn't. Oh, I did bring this, though.

[Sheppard points to the heavily-laden cargo pallet behind him]

Sam: What's all that?

Sheppard: The location where our friend Teyla, who was kidnapped a few epis—er, a few days ago, is being held.

Sam [surveying the enormous volume of stuff on the pallet]: You needed all that for Teyla's location?

Sheppard: Oh, right. There's also schematics of all the science and technology that will be discovered in the next twenty-five years, samples of it to help us reverse-engineer and because they're useful, full information on all the enemies we are aware of now or will learn about in that time, more data on the Ancients that we learned about over that time, several cubic yards full of micro-SD cards jammed with electronic textbooks, and a few other things.

McKay: Wow! That was clever of me to send you back with all that!

Sheppard: Yep. It's funny—your original plan was to send me back with Teyla's location and a few bits of Michael's database about the research he'd been doing on human/Wraith hybrids. Fortunately, you had an attack of common sense and thought that maybe the sum total of human knowledge over the next two decades might be a better choice.

McKay: Oh. Yeah, you're right, that's probably better.

 _~episode ends~_


End file.
